Dancing With The Stars…and the Republican Candidates.
There are now 378 days until election day 2012 and we are slowly but surely narrowing the Republican field of aspiring Presidential candidates. That said, there is a dance taking place among the hopefuls and there is an eerie parallel between them and this year’s Dancing With The Stars contestants.
First and most obvious, Rob Kardashian and John Huntsman are “GQ look-a-likes.” Both are good looking but have no chance to grab the gold ring. There is a major difference though. Huntsman is articulate and smart. It is a stretch to say that Kardashian has a room temperature IQ.
Rick Perry and Chynna Phillips also have a lot in common. Both “have good faces”, to quote a line from “Moneyball” and were early favorites. Phillips was the leader after the first dance but later faltered badly and was eliminated. Perry was a leader…before he opened his mouth. When he did speak, it was fairly obvious that his brain and mouth weren’t in sync. He’s still in the race but seems to have thrown a shoe and is faltering badly.
Newt Gingrich and Nancy Grace have a surprising degree of congruency. Both are smart as whips. Each pack a few extra “LBs.” And just when you think that you have fallen in love with them, they spout forth a little sarcastic quip that makes you shake your head in disbelief. These two contestants do, however, bear a little more discussion.
Gingrich is obviously the smartest guy in the room, and Grace is no mental midget herself. Even though he has baggage from 3 marriages and a plethora of narcissism, he would be the best to debate Obama…hands down. I still think he will hang in for some time, and who knows…some gaffs by the leaders and he might rise to the top. It’s a long shot, but…remember John McCain. I try to forget, but for some reason the nightmare of his race in the last months of 2008 haunt my memory.
Rick Santorum is also a very smart guy and has had vast and active experience in federal government with a largely untarnished conservative image and a stately presidential look. Those asking questions in these pseudo debates (they are more like a platform for the hosting organizations to expound on their worldview) keep him on the outer extremities of the debate both in terms of where he is placed on stage and the number of questions he gets. Given a chance, he could rise in the race. Tom Bergeron, the host of DWTS, likewise, has a clean cut look and all the words in the right place. They’re “practically twins”…except one is 6’4″” and the other 4’6”…I guess that makes them mirror image twins.
Now we can’t dismiss Michelle Bachman. She compares favorably with Elisabetta Canalis. They both are stunning and have infectious smiles. I have no clue as to the intelligence level of Canalis, but Bachman is highly intelligent and spot on in terms of her conservative fiscal ideas. She just can’t establish the broad presence to reach the top. She might, however, be a good second banana to the right top dog…just like Canalis is…or was… to George Clooney..
Now for Herman Cain…let’s pair him with Ricki Lake. OK, OK stay with me on this one. When the lineup was announced in each of these races, both Cain and Lake were the longest of longshots. And look at what has happened. We may wonder if they have staying power or not…but the odds on them are shortening all the time. Stand by!
Now, hear me out on the next one…Carson Kressley and Ron Paul. Kressley is obviously as eccentric and goofy as a drunk snake. Paul, on the other hand, is very intelligent…but also tangent to the curve at certain points. His views on fiscal policy and the Federal Reserve are, I believe, the most accurate of any candidate with out a doubt. On the other hand his view on Iran having every right to a nuclear bomb as flat out nuts. Hence, the seemingly obtuse comparison between Kressley and Paul is pretty close.
OK, I haven’t forgotten Romney…or J.R. Martinez. They are similar to me. Both have arisen from the abyss…J.R. from a serious and almost fatal injury in combat and Romney from defeat in the primary 3 years ago. Both have contagious and magnetic Pepsodent smiles. Both are “hanging around” as the others are bouncing around, first up then down. And I believe they will both be there at the wire. As a matter of fact, I believe both will ultimately grab the gold ring in their respective races.
Before I finish with my wish for a composite Republican candidate, let me comment on a few other DWTS candidates. Chastity/Chaz Bono…she/he changed a lot, but couldn’t do anything about those size 3 feet. Ron Artest…it’s good he was eliminated early, he had to return to his work release program.
Now, back to the republicans. As a conservative, I wish we could combine Gingrich’s brain and verbal skills with Cain’s charisma and Romney’s looks and presence. No doubt the looks issue would best be filled by the athletic and beautiful Sarah Palin or Hope Solo…but that’s another matter.
All that said, the Republican ticket will be Romney and Marco Rubio…check me out in August.
